He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
