my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
foreskin is a definite game changer
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
