Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
