That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
