So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
