last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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