im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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