if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
