Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
