I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
