I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
