Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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