I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
