i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
