So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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