i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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