i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
