If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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