I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
