I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
