KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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