i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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