Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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