i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
