I am puke
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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