I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
