They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
