I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
