is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Randomize
