we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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