Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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