end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
