I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
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I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
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She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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