I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
