Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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