i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
