Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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