My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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