I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
