At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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