Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
