I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
