I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
