How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
