I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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