im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
