i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
