So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
