if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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