All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It's blow job season.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
