I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
