i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
