Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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