Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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