Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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