You can't motorboat a personality
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
