I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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