I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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