I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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