dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Randomize
